Friday, September 5, 2014

Mornings with a 2 Year Old in 47 Easy Steps

Success! We made it to day care!

  1. Start by waking up 1 hour early to get yourself ready for the day in peace and quiet.
  2. Quietly let the dog outside.
  3. Forget dog is outside until she starts barking incessantly to be let back in.
  4. Usher dog back inside and quietly retreat to bedroom as you hear toddler stirring in her crib.
  5. After a quick shower, hair and makeup, return to the kitchen to prepare sippy cups and lunch for toddler (because you forgot the night before) as well as coffee for yourself.
  6. Drop a sippy cup on hardwood floor, silently curse under your breath and freeze in place to make sure the racket did not wake the little one.
  7. Carry on until all beverages and meals are prepared.
  8. Tip toe down the hall to bedroom to check on toddler.
  9. Hold breathe and crack open door to find her still asleep.  Whew.
  10. Turn around and accidentally step on dog (who is RIGHT under your feet, ALWAYS) who lets out little yelp.   I’m sorry Princess, but WHY must we do this every day?
  11. Toddler stirs at the sound of horrendous sound.
  12. Haul it back to your bedroom to frantically get dressed before she wakes up. Also do this quietly as, amazingly, husband is still asleep.
  13. Listen out via baby monitor for signs of baby waking up.
  14. At the sound of Velcro tab being removed from diaper (which means she is awake and is attempting to remove off her diaper) haul it back to her room to interrupt the unauthorized undressing.
  15. Greet toddler with the biggest smile and “good morning baby” which is oh-so sweetly returned to you. Highlight of the morning  thus far, hands down.
  16. Ask toddler if she is ready to get out of bed.
  17. Toddler emphatically informs you “NO” and rolls over. Wonder if we have somehow fast forwarded to teenage years....
  18. Bribe toddler out of bed with sippy cup of milk.
  19. Fetch sippy cup and proceed with assisted undressing of toddler.
  20. Attempt to restrain wiggly toddler with one hand while changing diaper with other hand.
  21. After multiple failed attempts, locate the toddler approved outfit from the dresser.  It does not match and you do not care.
  22. Wrestle toddler into said clothes sometimes with help from little one, sometimes with tears (for both of you).
  23. Wipe sweat from what was your freshly made up face.
  24. Fully dressed toddler now insists on cuddling with Daddy.
  25. Carry her into bedroom and wake up husband with a 30 pound toddler who felt the need to catapult herself into his stomach. 
  26. Reapply make up and finish last minute wardrobe touch ups.
  27. Pack toddler’s book bag with sippy cups and lunch for the day.
  28. Remind toddler, who is has now climbed off bed and is harassing dog, that we do not hit.  
  29. Optional step: Turn tv on to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Martha Speaks, Arthur or Curious  George.
  30. Drink coffee which you have forgotten about and is now cold.  
  31. Realize you are 10 minutes behind schedule for getting out of the house on time.
  32. Tell toddler it is time to go.
  33. Enjoy several minutes of sweet “ bye Daddy, I love  you Daddy, I love you Princey dog” and kisses all around.  Second high point of the morning.
  34. Put book bag on toddler.
  35. Catch a whiff of something unpleasant smelling and ask toddler “do you have a stinky?”
  36. Toddler responds with standard “NO!” and proceeds to run out of the room.  Which means the answer is in fact, “yes.”
  37. Locate a diaper and wipes, wrestle down toddler and change the diaper in record time.
  38. Forget and put diaper in bathroom trashcan  (which will be a most unpleasant welcome home in the evening) and wash hands.
  39. Put book bag back on toddler and repeat step 30.
  40. Remember that you forgot to comb toddler’s hair or brush her teeth. Make an effort to do both while she runs back and forth from your bedroom to bathroom all along wishing you had remembered step #29.
  41. Usher toddler out of house and outside.
  42. Toddler insists on walking down steps all by herself. DO NOT interfere and try to pick her up to hurry things along.  This will only make things worse.
  43. Finally get toddler into car seat, but she refuses to sit down and insists on turning car dome light on and off. And on and off.  And on and off.
  44. Bribe her with goldfish and quickly buckle her in when she sits down.
  45. Offer anywhere from 1-10 toys for her to play with in the car. Remember that 90% of the time she will choose the 10th option.
  46. Hurry around to the driver seat and crank up some Mickey Mouse or Frozen tunes to keep the fussing at bay. 
  47. Pull out the driveway a frazzled mess. And it’s only 7:30am. 

Congrats, mom! You did it! Only to do it all over again tomorrow morning. :)